THE CONSUMING DARKNESS
Maimed, incapacitated and debilitated would only partially describe my state in the aftermath of that extraordinary encounter! Languishing in my doom, I was soon to meet a different form of my Self that came alive amidst the chaos.
Not only was my form broken and in pieces, my grasp of sensation also fell out of whack. I was completely numb to feeling, I had lost my voice and everything around me was a blur except for a … shadowy figure. My external world had dissolved and I had descended into a cold and dark hole where this unknown shadowy figure was all that existed at the crossroads between life and death.
Engulfed by thick darkness, it was not long after that I came to grasp that this shadowy figure was all that was left of me. My total vanquishment and the resulting agony bred familiarity with self-contempt and wretchedness, culminating in the eruption of my Shadow Self!
Still pondering over the meaninglessness of my existence and whether any substance was left of my remains; my Shadow Self rudely interrupted to reveal the disturbing and grotesque monster, my hidden profile, in each fragment of my residual being.
I was hauled into my shadowland where graphic scenes from my past were broadcasted: like a personalised freak-show of my own life, of which I was the sole, involuntary audience. I was unwillingly shackled into the best seat, with an inescapable vantage point.
Glimpses of my inner demons were unveiled. One moment I was the majestic bull – proud and arrogant, entitled and ungrateful; the next moment I was the fierce crocodile – ruthless and inauthentic, greedy and selfish; the following scene I was the mischievous fox – crafty and manipulative, corrupt and deceitful… and so the torment persisted.
I stood before the judgement seat and the verdict had just been delivered: I had occluded my source of grace with the shadow of my limited personality. I was the real ogre! My ruin was all my making, this was my Karma!
My disoriented mind had been overpowered by the darkest elements; my rapid descent into the night-sea of my psyche was predestined. My shadowland brought the knowledge of the secret of the ogre’s doom. The source of the shapes of the day was only darkness, the hole I was trapped in was deep and dark and had no window; this was my wasteland and my decay was imminent.
This tragic mistake – the refusal of the call to discover my inner Self – had dire consequences. I had ignored my mental and emotional wellbeing to such a large degree that the suppressed pain and suffering eventually exploded into awareness with a vengeance! Like a volcano, the inner darkness eventually gushed out leaving destruction in its wake.
Sitting in the silences of my personal despair, consumed by guilt, shame and fear – I had broken down; this was the juncture where things fall apart. Was this the beginning of the end? Was all hope lost? Was decomposition the inescapable?
