FACING MY DARKSCAPE
Sitting in the silences of my personal despair, awaiting the gradual approach of my disintegration; I had fully embodied my Shadow Self and was living in perpetual torment. Totally awaken to my delusions of grandeur, the tragic mistake of refusing the call and its impending doom, my dying wish was simply facing the raw truth.
My truth was nothing else but the unmasked inner demons, the wild and primitive traits hidden in a labyrinth of cyclopean walls. To find the Minotaur, I had to unwind pathways, levels and layers of the tortuous maze to discover the secretive processes of fear, guilt and shame lurking in my unconscious mind.
If there was ever a chance of making it out of “hell”, I had to drum up the mental strength to navigate through the depths of my inner darkness.
My inner darkness, my darkscape, was my landscape; a wasteland that emerged out of divine wrath and unnatural love. It embodied frustration, bitterness, anger, regret as well as isolation and was the archetype of destructive, egoic disruption.
Maybe with an ounce of luck, this horrific event provided the rare occasion for me to face my darkscape and confront it with the healing balm of self-compassion, the lamp of honesty and the spirit of courage.
Perhaps, accepting and reconciling with the conflicting forms of myself – the Egotistical Self, and the Shadow Self – was my only opportunity to unearth vitality and flow in my meaningless life. Was inner unification the master key to a whole and balanced Self?
The Shadow Self is a place within all of us that dwells in the darkness of the unconscious mind. It is the monster hidden and pursued, and is composed of repressed ideas, instincts, impulses, weaknesses, desires, perversions, and embarrassing fears. This part is often described as the darker side of the psyche, representing wildness, chaos, and the unknown.
By being honest with ourselves and compassionately accepting our shadow elements, it frees us up to truly witness the uncharted areas of our minds, allowing us to see that we are not these elements, but simply possess thoughts, feelings, and drives that come and go like clouds in the sky.
To accept and embrace your Shadow Self is to become whole, and thus taste a glimpse of what authentic “holiness” feels like – and that involves embracing both light and dark qualities within, by recognizing that you possess both, but neither of them ultimately defines you.
Inner unification is not an indulgence of the darker parts of our nature but an acceptance and direct experience of them in the light of mindful awareness and deep honesty.
As unthinkable as it seems, facing my darkscape was an essential part of my awakening. Breakdown must come before breakthrough, and death must precede rebirth. Like a caterpillar dissolving in its cocoon, I will eventually emerge renewed and transfigured, finding the light at the end of the tunnel.
Ironically, my own resistance could bring about the opportunity for my salvation. The doom and gloom I created for myself by refusing the call may trigger the insight that will change my perspective and open me to the journey I was desperately in need of.
Before any true growth or healing could occur, I must go through a process of destruction and complete annihilation. As terrifying as it appears, it illuminates what is fragile, transient, and subject to change, growth, and decay.
It is counterintuitive, because exploring the darkness left me with a feeling of great inner emptiness; but within this emptiness, I will eventually come to see what can never come, go, change or die – the raw truth of who I am.
My conscious essence is not in chasing happiness but rather in experiencing each moment fully and completely in the simplicity of Being. It was not happiness that held the solution to my despair, it was my pain.
The cure for pain, is in the pain.
The wound is where the light enters.
3 Responses
This is very insightful and at the same time thought provoking. Reading and going through the reading made me more aware of how moving past the inner darkness is confronting and navigating through it!
Love it!!!
Absolutely, facing the darkness is crucial to experiencing true freedom. In the words of Seneca, “A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.”
Wow! So very well said! That phrase really resonated with me and I read it over and over ! – “involves embracing both light and dark qualities within, by recognizing that you possess both, but neither of them ultimately defines you.”. Just super thought provoking. Thanks so so much for vulnerably sharing this.