SLIDING INTO THE DARKNESS
Aha, mission accomplished! My delusions of grandeur had totally consumed me. I was living my best life! I had hundreds of amazing things that most people could only dream about! I was a chartered accountant, an investment banker, a globetrotter and a young connoisseur of food and wine! I didn’t have any worries about money or responsibilities. My exaggerated sense of wellbeing and confidence made me feel invincible.
My self-deception led me to believe that I was the sole architect of my success. Each additional perk offered by my cold and toxic world was just another glass of the Kool-Aid which I drank foolishly. This led to even deeper illusion of power which tickled my ego and so it grew rapidly into a bubble.
Our ego is like a target we carry with us. And like any target, the bigger it is, the more vulnerable it is to being hit. The inflated ego makes us susceptible to manipulation. The irony lies in the fact that the inflated ego is the destroyer!
Fully intoxicated by the Kool-Aid, my blown-up ego made it easier for others to take advantage of me. It made me predictable. It also prevented me from learning from my own mistakes; it created a defensive wall. I became a victim of my own need to be seen as great, and I ended up making decisions that were detrimental to my Self.
The inevitable bubble burst ensued when the size of my ego grew too large for my constricted world. The majestic form and nervous structure of my human physique deserved more perks, a higher rank, but these were denied with poor disguise.Â
My puffed-up ego took a massive hit! For the first time, I began to see the manipulation, the exploitation. The shockwaves through my system unexpectedly revealed a small crack in the wall which aroused my curiosity.
Frantically, I began to knock down layers upon layers from the thick, heavily insulated wall I was suffocating behind. To my horror, the toxic and meaningless form of my external world was revealed. With each hidden layer I knocked down, I found heaps of lies, gossip, slander, malice, bitterness, backstabbing and abuse.Â
This was supposed to be my place of refuge, I had made huge sacrifices to build this house; I really felt like I truly belonged here. I was utterly crushed to discover that these facades of grand invincibility were, in reality, walls imprisoning me. I was just another prisoner!
Instantaneously, I began to feel severe pain; my being was bleeding profusely from deep wounds as I came to the realisation that I was not truly the synthesised form of perceptions, thoughts and experiences I had identified with. This encounter was confusing and overwhelming! I felt a grave need for total detachment and disassociation.
The wall created by my self-assertive, self-defensive and self-concerned ego had separated me from my true nature inside.Â
The sense of identity I had created in my mind was only a fabrication and came crumbling down rapidly. I was completely lost, there was no more reason to live and this heralded my slippery dip into depression.
Ultimately, my refusal of the call to discover my inner Self was just a much more scenic route to self-annihilation.
The remains of my extra-conspicuous figure was broken, cut into chunks, and scattered abroad. My Shadow Self was all that survived the destruction and it was about to be absorbed into thick darkness!
2 Responses
Wow! Very vulnerable deep discovery. Thanks for sharing your heart!! I applaud you for being so real, and digging deep. But in every pain, there is a purpose I totally believe.. we have to go through the process of refinement to be polished.
Absolutely! Pain is the gateway to refinement. In Japan, they practice KINTSUKUROI (Golden Repair). When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandise the damage by filling the cracks with GOLD. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more BEAUTIFUL 🙂