EVOKING MY SHADOW JOURNEY
Hoo-wee! I had not lost my mind, at least not yet! The status-quo will continue to be maintained on the premise that my true Self was too dim and vague to be explored. If she really did exist, an extraordinary encounter; nothing short of a full blown invasion of my constricted mind was imperative to crush my delusion and awaken my awareness.
But for the self-deception mode to be successfully activated, I had to put in place austerity measures to ensure that my ego had usurped the judgment seat of my true Self. My perspective must be completely flattened; erasing all traces of those conflicting signals, so that the endless vista into depth closes over and I am left comprehending only the tangible surfaces of my existence.
Gradually, through prolonged psychological disciplines which began with perceptual distortions of my professional career and its indispensable role in holding together the architecture of the financial ecosystem, my common reasoning dictated that all of my waking consciousness had to be dedicated to my image as an exceptional phenomenon in the world.
My super competitive character coupled with my sharpened focus and determination provided incessant fuel to my desire for fortune, fame, and influence. By a process of illusory correlation, the grand lines of my personal ambitions had expanded into its extra-conspicuous figure, acclaiming the highest sense of identity; the extreme symbol of my tenacious ego.
The cut-throat extremely fast paced culture in the investment banking world, which I was privileged to be a part of, was all I needed to feed my fake narrative: I was swimming with the sharks, and clutching unto my delusional belief was the only lens in the little hard-fact pupil of my human eye.
Fully consumed by an illusion of control, I began to display robotic behaviour; completely disconnected from my natural habitat and perpetually living in a delusional mood. My world was sucked into the cold and toxic space of the invisible-Chinese-walled office floor. I worked tirelessly with little to no sleep, building complex financial models and churning out bespoke corporate finance solutions; those mergers and acquisition deals were always urgent and momentous!
One dangling carrot after another – business class flight across borders, fully sponsored opulent living and dining, huge year-end bonuses, followed by the ultimate reward of a glass tombstone award – life was overflowing with meaning! My ego had tricked me into mistaking meaningless shadow for substance. Unknown to my Self, I was evoking my shadow journey!
Living in the shadow is threatening and painful, so to protect our ego, we build defences and try to avoid responsibility for our circumstances. We build a protective labyrinth of rationalizations, excuses and delusions. Eventually, however, the wall we build to keep painful reminders out becomes a prison that keeps us in. Then our world contracts and the walls that protect also imprison.
Walled in boredom, hard work, or culture, the subject loses the power of significant affirmative action and becomes a victim to be saved. His flowering world becomes a wasteland of dry stones and his life feels meaningless… All he can do is create new problems for himself and await the gradual approach of his disintegration.
My cravings for extra special significance aroused all my physical senses administering a prolonged euphoric experience that distorted the true state of my health and overall wellness. It disguised the hurt, the hidden pain, the desperation for love, the damaged self esteem and the deep emotional wounds.
As with any feeling of euphoria, it eventually fades. I wish I could say my euphoric experience passed on seamlessly to one of calm and serenity; quite the opposite was true, the crash was swift and almost fatal!
Huge difference between being happy at will, and chasing euphoric moments as an escape. One doesn't cost a dime, the other will tax your soul.
