THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
As I lay down to sleep in the private comfort of my recently rented bachelor pad, the night closed in with the busyness of the day mostly swallowed by the darkness. Stillness began to unfold around me and the voice in my head set about its ceaseless whisper as if my mind could not be left alone. Was my consciousness terrified of emptiness? Should I be grateful for the companionship of this uninvited guest?
My younger self had never posed these questions. On the contrary, the voice gave her a sense of belonging and she actually anticipated its sure appearance at every quiet moment. Unlike anything else in the physical world, the voice was her most loyal friend, her ever present help!
Breaking out of my cocoon and finally set free into the world, I was yet to free my mind. I had actually achieved what could only be described as a deep dive into slavery, a delusional one where I had switched the commander from my parents to an imaginary voice. The author of Miss Independent’s freedom agenda had become faceless!
The irony was hidden within the loudness of my desperation to exercise my rights to be seen and heard, to take charge by being in the driver’s seat – scripting my destiny but fully unknown to my deepest self, I had become a slave to a faceless thing. A total stranger as I lacked the minutest detail of its image, motive, direction, intellectual capacity or lack thereof.
As the weeks and then years rolled by, the shallowness of myself had progressively begun to indulge the voice at every moment in time (quiet and loud) and the whispers which required silence to be heard had grown into a loud boss of my so-called independent life. I had completely lost control of my thoughts, only having to attempt the burdensome task of reasoning in very rare situations.
This voice led me on a strange path into fearfulness. The bravery I had attempted to pursue on breakout had dissipated into thin air. I was compelled by the notion to please. Everyone around me had to be happy; at all costs, I must keep the peace, maintain harmony. Of course no one likes opposing views, according to the propaganda it had fed me, as a debate starts out with good intentions and then spirals into an argument and eventually discord. The instructive voice in my head had to be right about the path of least resistance.
It was almost too late when I came to the realisation that I was never in control. I was now a self-terrorised being living in fright of my own nightmare; one filled with fear, worry and anxiety of the unknown which was entirely a figment of my imagination. I was absorbed by my past and had now built a fixed dwelling there. It was not just a house but a home, cosy and familiar; providing the “safety” which I desperately craved. Even when my thought tried to pre-empt the future, it was simply an extension of my past.
There was no substance to hope for, the voice in my head had made life purposeless, meaningless! I was fully submerged in what felt like an animated world; was I in a simulation?
5 Responses
‘Everyone around me had to be happy; at all costs, I must keep the peace, maintain harmony’. This is something I still struggle with. I want to makesure everyone I love/care about it happy and I think that doing so much will solve all those issues. Time and time again, I have realized that I cant!!! But though my inner self knows that, I still cant stop. As I read this blog, I wonder, is it my inner fear and strong desire to please? And once again, I have to keep always reminding myself… I have NO control over ANYTHING .
Thanks for this! Very enlightening and thought-provoking for me.
The intention to keep everyone happy is good in itself as long as you are still in control and not simply taking the path of least resistance.
I feel I am in this spiral too….?
Stay connected as I probe further, we might just find helpful answers.
Yeah indeed. When you think of the ratio of one who’s to please to those to be pleased it really is a River Jordan to be crossed.